I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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