Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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