my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize