Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
