There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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