giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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