My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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