What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Randomize
