I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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