My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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