I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize