If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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