took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
