I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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