Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
