I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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