He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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