my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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