your parents love me but you hate me
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
