At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
