Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
