By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
