I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
