So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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