so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
