I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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