You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
