some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
