im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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