why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i love accidental penises.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize