you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
