every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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