How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
