How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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