and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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