I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
