Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
