My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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