the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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