i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
