I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
