next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
