well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
