how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
