Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
