I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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