It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
