Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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