can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
