Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
