Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
