Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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