i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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