I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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