I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
