I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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