I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
